val-ritz:

bouquetoftwelve:

ommanyte:

ommanyte:

I’m going to make a new font called Times New Bastard

It’s Times New Roman but every seventh letter is jarringly sans serif

With one line you activated every bone in my body and all of them are in attack mode

absolutegibberishandnumbers:

jokes to make after failure that aren’t self-deprecating:

1. I’m the best to ever do it
2. Nobody saw that (best if said loudly)
3. No one’s ever done it like me
4. I could be President/they should make me President
5. Behold, a mere fraction of my power!
6. The public wants to be me soooooo bad
7. I’m an expert in (thing you just failed at)
8. How could this have happened to god’s favorite princess?
9. Nothing ibuprofen and a glass of water cant fix
10. I’m being sabotaged

petrichormeraki:

petrichormeraki:

have you or a loved one been diagnosed with asshole? you may be entitled

i forgot what i was saying mid sentence but this may actually be the best joke ive ever made

crippled-peeper:

“women don’t have the capacity for misogyny” have you ever met a mother

phantomrose96:

suryp:

phantomrose96:

Bipedal so fucking stupid. You look at a cat or a dog lying down and you’re like “hell yeah that looks exactly right. that looks so comfortable.” Human lies down and looks like Peter Griffin Death Pose.

no thats just humans. birds can get reeeeeeeeall fuckin comfy with it.

ex:

Why did we fuck up so bad.

girlrustcohle:

fuuuuck i just realized that the future idealized version of myself cant exist without current me being the catalyst for change and doing hard things. has anybody heard about this

innerchildabortionclinic:

“fruit has sugar” warning post reminds me of my coworker who told me to make sure I don’t get “addicted to fruit”. yeah i’m also addicted to a nice walk on the beach

twunkpunkhexx:

argumate:

oh god I’m gonna cum! but first a message from our sponsors who made this possible,

technofeudalism:

dogsuffrage:

repent-zoomer:

memes that get you unfriended by relatives on facebook

memes that get you unfollowed by randoms on tumblr

orcbara:

orcbara:

too many stories about turning yourself into a monster as a metaphor for pretending to be something you aren’t and losing yourself in the process. not enough stories about turning yourself into a monster as a metaphor for choosing to openly embrace yourself even if it’s strange to other people

any time the conclusion of the story is “and then he turned back to normal because what really matters is being true to yourself and being loved for being who you really are: a boring human” i hear a spongebob boo-womp in my head. can you tell i’m autistic by the way